Today is my 65th day in the hospital. Today I
broke down in tears. Sobbing, uncontrollable tears. I would even venture to say
that I was weeping. But not for the reason that you would think---not because
of the profound sadness and difficulty permeating hospital life---but because
of the profound joys that hospital life has afforded me. Because of the
cherished moments I’ve had here and how it has truly deepened my appreciation
for my husband, my son, my mother, my sisters, and the countless others who
have been my pillars of strength.
The catalyst for this reaction was a text message I received
this morning upon waking up. It was simple; just a picture of our son, Gideon,
sitting on a toy he got for his birthday. But for me there was nothing simple
about it. For me this picture encapsulated so many precious things. There he
was, sitting on a toy, his feet flat on the ground, a smile stretched across
his face, his eyes completely squinty and the vein on his neck poking out. I am certain that 9 weeks ago there is
no way he could have sat on that toy with his feet touching the ground. I am
also certain that I have never ever seen him smile so big. You know those days
when you smile so hard your cheeks hurt? But you can’t stop smiling? I’m pretty
certain that it was that type of smile.
I know, I know, a picture of my smiling son is great and all, but what was so special about this picture? How could it elicit so many strong feelings inside my heart? First of all, it came from my husband. Almost every morning my husband sends me text messages with pictures of my son. It wasn’t something we talked about beforehand; it wasn’t something I requested of him. It was just something he started doing for me. He just knew that I needed it. What a simple act of love on his part!
Second, the toy he was sitting on was a birthday present
from two of the nurses here at the hospital. Not only did those nurses chip in
on the gift, but they helped cut through hospital policy red tape so that we
could have a birthday party right here in my room. Many of the nurses helped
decorate the room and brought presents and made it a special event. They all
understood how important it was that I be a part of my son’s celebration. So
yes, I might let a few tears of appreciation fall every time I see that toy and
no, I do not have a problem admitting that.
Third, (as evidenced in the picture) my son is a healthy,
happy, growing boy. Despite the fact that I am not there to see it or influence
it, he is being nurtured and loved and fed and given everything I could hope to
give him if I could be home with him.
This is due largely to the sacrifices of my husband, my mother, and my
sister. I honestly don’t think that my sanity would be intact if it weren’t for
the fact that they have all changed their lives around to accommodate taking
care of Gideon.
The best part of all of this? A text I literally just
received from my husband---
“Do you ever get that
feeling of joy that just sort of wells up occasionally and you’re instantly
thankful and warm and happy about me and life in general?”
Why yes, I absolutely do!
I have so many things to be grateful for because of my
hospital stay and the picture only demonstrates a very small number of those
things. One day I hope to be able to adequately express my gratitude to everyone
who has given me a cherished moment while I’ve been here (and there are many of
you!) but for now this post will have to suffice.
