I didn’t realize how mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and
physically taxing this journey would be. I didn’t realize that it would be
fraught with moments of extreme anxiety interspersed with moments of pure joy.
I didn’t realize that every milestone we reached would also bring on new
concerns. How could I possibly know that hearing their heartbeats 24/7 would
fill me with equal measures of hope and terror?
Today is the type of day that I can no longer do it. I look at myself and I say, “I’m done”.
People not in my situation have told me that I just need to take it one day at
a time, but I can’t withstand one more day of being in this hospital. One more
day of being separated from my husband. One more day of missing my son grow up.
One more day of lousy meals. One more day of well meaning nurses poking and
prodding and asking if everything is ok. One more day of feeling my body
atrophy in this hospital bed.
Moments and thoughts like that are exactly when the guilt
starts rushing in. Because I am selfish. Everyday that I am in this hospital
bed is another day or possibly even week that my babies don’t have to be in the
NICU. Everyday I spend away from my husband is one more day that we are
fighting for our family—separate yes—but bound by purpose and love and
sacrifice. Everyday I miss my son growing up is a day I’m assuring that he will
have two of the best playmates a kid could ask for. Everyday that my body
atrophies and my muscles ache with weakness is a day that sweet Olivia and
Annelise get stronger. Everyday is
a blessing.
That is how I know that today I will do it. Even though it
seems impossible, I will persevere. And I know that I’m not doing it alone because Heavenly
Father promises “I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit
shall be in your hearts, and mine angels
round about you, to bear you up.” And I’ve seen that promise fulfilled in
heavenly messengers and in the earth angels that I have surrounding me.
So, yes, today is the type of day that I can no longer
do it. But it is also the type of day that I am laying my weakness on the
shoulders of my friends and family and at the feet of the Savior so that they
can help carry my burden---and for that I am eternally grateful.
