I promised you a video...

...and I finally outsmarted the technology demons who were preventing me from posting it. This is Gideon with his balloon from the Pet Fair. Please excuse the first bit of the video as the technology demons still won the editing battle.

Confessions of a stay at home mom

Ok, this is gonna put me in a bad light to some of you, but I don't mind admitting I'm weak. Mostly because I am.

Being a stay at home mom (I believe SAHM is the term hip blogger sahms use) was the only thing I ever really wanted. Sure, I wanted an education and I wanted to travel and work BUT I had decided from a young age that I would take those things as they came until I found the man of my dreams and we could settle down and start a family. Luckily, I've had the opportunity to experience both lifestyles. I could go into the crazy adventures I had before I met Rob and settled down, but that's a post for another time. Instead I'm going to tell you how hard it was to transition from that lifestyle to this one...

It was hard. Like calculus hard. And if calculus wasn't hard for you then think 'art theory' hard. And if neither of those were hard for you then you should definitely try your hand at being a sahm.  I don't want to give you the wrong idea---I love being a mommy---but it took me a while to love everything that comes with it. And I still don't love everything about it (read: poopy diapers) but some of the things that I was loathe to do at first have become the best part of my day.

The biggest and probably saddest reflection on me as a person would be how I felt the first couple of months when Gideon would wake up from a nap. His naps were never long enough. I never had enough me time. His crying made my body hurt. He was notorious for leaving large presents in his diaper after naps. The list goes on and on. But then something magical happened. Gideon started smiling. And laughing. And rolling over! Suddenly this thing that was leeching all my energy had started to give me energy. I no longer dreaded his awake time. I even started to enjoy it! There are days now when I can't wait until he wakes up from his nap so that I can read to him or tickle him or show him a toy that I think he will like.

There were lots of other hard transitional moments (or months) for me and although I'd love to complain about expound upon them right now, I'd much rather show you some cute pics of Gideon from the Pet Fair we went to this weekend.

"what kind of dog are you?"

The fam minus papa

Perfect fit!

"excuse me, can you tell me where you get groomed? I just love your bangs!"

But if not

Today I want to share some of my feelings surrounding our precious MoMo babies. 

When we were first told that we were having twins I was neither surprised nor shocked. In the weeks leading up to our first appointment I had an overwhelming feeling that it just might be so--- I read up on the odds of conceiving twins if they don't run in the family (which they don't) yet still I thought it just might be so. I didn't tell Rob about my feelings because with only a 3% chance even I kind of thought I was insane. But the morning of our due-date-determining-ultrasound rolled around and as we were packing Gideon up I said "Are you ready to go see your little brothers or sisters?" I hadn't even realized that I had added the 's' but Rob caught it and as we were sitting there watching two little heartbeats on the screen he called me out on it. 

Unfortunately, that exciting news was accompanied with the suspicion that the twins were Monoamniotic Monochorionic. My midwife didn't tell us much about it that day, only that it was a high-risk situation and that we needed a better ultrasound. We set up our 3d ultrasound for the next day and I went home and proceeded to google everything I could about "MoMo twins". It was quite a disheartening experience as I read stories of other women and their loss. 

I read about the odds.

I read about how most doctors still advocate abortion in these cases.

I read about failed experiments and studies. 

I read about the lack of an effective treatment plan. 

I read about delivering the babies by c-section at least 8 weeks early.

I read about the lifelong effects of premature birth. 

But I also read about the miracles.

I read about the outpouring of love that people in these situations received.

I read about mothers who tenderly reached through incubators to caress their babies who were born at only 24 weeks. 

I read about twins who were born at 32 weeks who were pulled out of the womb hugging. 

I read about families who overcame all odds and brought home healthy, happy twins.

And that is when Heavenly Father reminded me of his love and his presence in my life. Most often he does so in the form of bringing scriptures to my heart and mind and on this particular day it was no different. The Spirit called upon the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego to teach me, or reteach rather, the lesson of but if not. 

For those of you who don't know the story, it finds place in the book of Daniel in the Old Testament. King Nebuchadnezzar reigned over the land and decided to build a "golden image" and commanded all to worship it. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego knew that God had commanded them to not worship idols, therefore, they chose to go against the commandments of the king. King Nebuchadnezzar was pretty upset about this and so "in his rage and fury" he called these 3 gentlemen before him and told them that if they didn't worship his golden image he would throw them into a fiery furnace. He mocked their belief in God and asked them if their God would save them. This is their reply---

"If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to ^adeliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us"

Now, that statement in itself is a huge show of faith, but that is not the lesson that Heavenly Father wanted me to learn. That lesson comes in what they say after that---

"But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not ^aserve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up."

But if not. But if not. But if not. 

These men knew that Heavenly Father had all power to save them and they did not doubt his ability to do so. However, they knew that Heavenly Father's plans are often different than our own.  

And this is my great lesson. I know that Heavenly Father has all power to save my little girls and to bring them safely into my arms but if not, I know that he will love them and care for them himself until that day comes when I will see them in a perfected state. That knowledge is the reason that Rob and I have decided not to live in fear of "the worst case scenario" but to embrace every moment of this pregnancy and celebrate our little girls. We love them so much already! 

If you'd like to know how things turned out for Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, follow this link and read verses 19-30 http://www.lds.org/scriptures/ot/dan/3.17-18?lang=eng#16

Life Lately...

Life has been amazing lately. Rob's work hours here give us a lot of family time and we've certainly been making use of it! I only have 4 more weeks until I start my hospital stay and although I am dreading it, it also brings a certain amount of peace, hope, and satisfaction. If we can make it to 24 weeks our odds increase immensely and even though I will be sitting around seemingly doing nothing, I know that it is the best thing I can do for these babies.

Gideon is doing great. Here are some things about him:
-He has been crawling for quite a while now and he stands up on everything!
-The past couple of months his favorite thing is to get into "downward dog" and stare at his feet, it is so precious!
-He has two little teeth on the bottom and he is working on one on the top right now.
- His belly laughs are the best part of my day.
-For the past 4 months whenever music turns on or anyone is singing he uses this really high pitched voice and tries to mimic the music and sing along. This is especially funny at church or in public because once he starts singing he doesn't want to stop--even if the music does!
-His babbling is incessant and he often uses his hands to illustrate his point. I really wish I could understand the stories he tells me
-He loves strings and cords of any kind.
-He is enamored with his Aunt Liz and his Grandma. Every time they walk into a room he brightens up and claps his hands.
-He refuses to get kisses on demand, but he will grab our faces/hair at random and pull us in for the biggest kisses you've ever seen.
-He does this crinkly nose look that is priceless, but we haven't managed to get in on camera
-He loves to have whisper conversations and if you whisper at him he will do it back until he gets bored
-He has successfully learned to navigate the single step leading from our hallway to the family room. I'm just hoping that he will wait another four weeks to try and tackle the big steps so that I don't have to deal with it!

And here are some pics--

This is Gideon's first time in an "outdoor pool" 

We went to the pet shop and Gideon asked these puppies for kisses (note the open mouth)

They were more than happy to oblige

Gideon played in the sand at the beach and tried to eat all of it

REPRESENT!

Some backyard fun with Meisje

"I do not like this box!"

"Oh, but you have a camera...in that case..."

Gideon got this balloon from the Pet Fair we went to this weekend

and it became is best friend. There will be a video about this in the future...

Gideon just chilled on the floor while Daddy installed some cabinets for Grandpa and Grandma

This pic is to give you an idea of what Rob gets to eat for his "diet"...

he is doing strictly Paleo, which means he can only eat natural foods

like meats, eggs, veggies, and fruit. What it really translates to 

is him having delicious homecooked meals for EVERY meal 

for the first time in our marriage. 

MoMo Twins

I've been putting off writing this particular post since March, which is when we found out we are expecting twins.

The thing is, we aren't just expecting your average, run-of-the-mill twins. We are expecting "MoMo" twins--monoamniotic monochorionic twins. This means that they are identical twins, sharing the same sac, with no separating membrane.  It's pretty much a statistical anomaly that we are having twins in the first place; there is only a 3% chance of spontaneous twinning and twins don't run in our families. BUT to add to the statistical craziness, only less than 1% of twins have this condition. Unfortunately this condition presents a major risk to both babies because their cords can become tangled and cut off cord supply. There is really nothing they can do to prevent cord entanglement, and the only thing they can do to intervene is deliver the babies. This means that at 24 weeks I will be reporting to the hospital for inpatient care (i.e. I will live at the hospital) and 24/7 monitoring. Provided that we don't find any problems in the weeks following my report date, they will deliver the babies sometime between 32 and 34 weeks.

The following is an example of what the cords can look like-->

Amazingly enough, these cords actually belong to twins who made it safely into this world! They were continuously monitored and when the doctors saw the cord flow slowing they performed an emergent c-section. 

Chances for these babies are not super high; without 24/7 monitoring the success rate is 50%, with inpatient care and 24/7 monitoring the rate of success rises by 20-30%. 

Rob and I are so grateful for modern medicine and the ability doctors now have to do such monitoring. We are also extremely grateful for our knowledge of Heavenly Father and his plan. We know that whatever the outcome, God has a plan for our family and that brings us so much comfort and joy.

ch-ch-ch-changes!

I am obviously only one step above being the worst blogger in the world (that award goes to those who sign up for an account but never publish a single post)...it took me three months to post about Gideon's birth story and for the last seven months I've been completely MIA. I'd like to think that it's due to the fact that I've just been out enjoying life to the fullest and haven't had time for any sort of electronic nonsense, and although that is partially true, it mainly revolves aroundt the fact that blogging/journaling are just difficult for me.

So here is a little outline of events from the last couple of months

February---Nikki Barkume came to visit us in Alaska and we had an amazing time. We managed to see lots of sights and even got to go dog sledding!

My little AK sister, Sonja, had her baby girl (Anberlin) in February--

And on the last day of February we found out that we are expecting baby #2!!

March---This was a pretty slow month. We celebrated Rob's birthday and I made an awesome violin cake that I apparently did not get pictures of (FAIL). But in leu of getting a picture of the cake, we saw this picture and realized that we were actually pregnant with #2 and #3!!!

April--- was a flurry of insurance finagling, packing, and flip-flopping about our decision to move.
May---I flew to California with my mom and Gideon while Rob made the epic journey by car. When Rob joined us we finally made the news of the twins official with the following pic-->

And that brings you all mostly up to speed. My next post will be all about the joys of pregnant life with twins...yay! 

The Birth Story

I have been struggling with how to present this story. The events leading up to Gideon's birth were so well orchestrated by Heavenly Father that they can only be described as a miracle.  But where and when does a miracle begin? I'll do my best to piece it together for you.

Cholestasis. Raise your hand if you know what that word means. Odds are that you have no idea. The first time I heard that word was almost two years ago, when my sister-in-law Shannon was expecting her beautiful baby girl, Peyton.  Shannon was experiencing some extreme itchiness with her pregnancy and decided to talk to her doctor about it---thank goodness she did. She was diagnosed with cholestasis, a very rare condition of the liver which affects the production and processing of bile during pregnancy. It presents no real threat  to the mother (just makes her unbearably itchy), but results in an extremely toxic environment for the baby which can lead to a stillbirth. There is no cure for cholestasis. There is no medication to ensure the health of the baby. The only course of action is to induce labor as early as possible to remove the baby from that environment. Thankfully Shannon's doctors were informed and aware and induced Shannon weeks early.

What does this have to do with my story? Let me tell you.

At the end of August my hands and feet started itching terribly. I would lay awake at night scratching at the palms of my hands and rubbing my feet on the carpet. I tried lotions and hot water rinses and cold water rinses; I tried vinegar rinses and baking soda rinses and in one desperate attempt I even put Listerene on my hands and feet (the internet told me that it might work, and the internet is always right, right?). In the end I chalked it up to bloating. I told myself that I was being a wuss and that every pregnant woman experiences some bloating and itchy discomfort.

Fast forward to September 9th. I was feeling kind of off and decided to stay home from church. Seemingly out of the blue my big brother Adam calls me. We had a great chat and I explained some of the early labor stuff I had been dealing with and he said something to the extent of "we never had to deal with contractions and natural labor, we just had to induce and hope that our baby would be ok. I guess everyone has their own thing with pregnancy".  I didn't think much of our conversation at the time.

Monday came and went and although Gideon was moving, he didn't seem as active as usual. Tuesday came and went and it seemed like there was even less movement. By Wednesday I was really concerned and it was then that my conversation with Adam hit me---Shannon was itchy. She had to induce early. Peyton could have died. Shannon had Cholestasis! But it seemed too absurd to me that Shannon and I could share such a rare condition so I googled it. All of my symptoms matched that of Cholestasis...but then again, anytime I search my symptoms it usually ends up being cancer or something equally as life threatening. By 2pm I had googled myself into a frenzy and I had only felt Gideon kick twice. I texted Shannon about her symptoms and the diagnostic process and she texted me back and gave me the courage to call my midwife.

After explaining things to the nurse over the phone I was asked to come in immediately. I called Rob and gave him some vaguely positive excuse as to why I was going to the doctor and then I headed out.

3:00pm  Dr. Townsend decided to administer a stress test
3:30pm Gideon failed first 20 minute stress test...no movement
4:00pm Gideon started moving but the last 50 minutes of stress tests revealed that his heart rate plummeted several times and that there was definitely something wrong. Patti Townsend (midwife) decided that it was time to induce.
5:00pm Already dilated to 5cm naturally, I begged my midwife to allow me to go through labor without pitocin. She agreed but proceeded to break my water to speed things up for Gideon

At some point when I was at 7cm I asked for some IV drugs (I had decided against an epidural). They gave me one shot of stadol, insisting that it would take the edge off the pain and cause some mild drowsiness.

Guys, I did not experience mild drowsiness. I was high as a kite. But not the pleasant floaty kind of  high---teddy bears on parade, trapped in my own body kind of high. Also, never really having been high, I'm only really assuming that there is a pleasant floaty sort.

I did not ask for more drugs.

By 3am I was at 9cm and remained there for the next 3 hours. I wanted to push so incredibly badly, but my young, inexperienced nurse wouldn't let me. Showering was my only relief during this whole process but because they needed to monitor Gideon closely they didn't want me taking any more showers either (I had had 3 or 4 fifteen minute showers by this point).

6am They decide things are not going well enough and that Gideon needs to come out. My silly inexperienced nurse didn't feel comfortable setting up the internal monitor so she brought in a very wise older nurse. She had white hair that looked like a halo under the lights of the delivery room. She decided that she wanted to check my progress before placing the monitor and even though I was only at 9cm she let me push. What a relief! She worked with me for a couple of minutes and helped me push through that last centimeter and suddenly Gideon was crowning!

My angel nurse left after she helped me through that part, but I never caught her name. At some point my midwife came, and then another midwife came as well. I'm not really sure how or why it happened but I ended up with 2 midwives, 3 nurses and Rob at my bedside while I pushed.

7:18am Pushing was one of the most difficult things I've ever done but it was absolutely the most rewarding. When they plopped Gideon on my tummy I was so exhausted and happy I could hardly move. All I could do was look at this precious baby and smile. They let Gideon lay on my stomach while Rob cut the cord and then Rob pulled out his violin and played Gideon's Lullaby. Right there in the delivery room. While the song played, Gideon opened his eyes for the first time and craned his head up to look at his daddy.