One Week

**I started writing this on Friday, which marked one week for the girls. Obviously it's the longest post ever, but there are pics at the end!

One week ago today our precious little girls were brought into this world. Just thinking about it brings on a torrent of thoughts and emotions and memories that will be hard to put to paper, so please bear with me.

Remember my post last Tuesday about how happy I was? Well, the next day was one of the most stress ridden days of my existence. It started out the same way Tuesday had; I was on a high from recognizing all of the amazing blessings Heavenly Father had given me. By midday I was still feeling pretty great about everything, but by 4:30 when Rob called I was in shambles and I didn't know why. I couldn't establish full sentences. I was just sobbing on the phone even though nothing had changed since the day before. Of course, Rob, being the amazing husband he is, dropped everything and came to the hospital. And my mom, being the amazing mother she is, took care of Gideon so that Rob could come to my rescue.

I thought I was going insane. How could I feel this way if just the day before I was on cloud nine? The girls were doing well, we were surpassing all odds and I should have still been elated. Was there something wrong with the girls? No. Was there something wrong with me? Not medically speaking. Had anything spurred me to feel this way? I certainly wasn't getting emotional about the episode of Storage Wars I had been watching. 

When Rob arrived I just kind of looked at him through my tears and laughed. I felt ridiculous. I've always had trouble showing my weakness to people; especially the ones I love. And this didn't even seem like weakness---it just seemed like the onset of insanity. So he climbed into my tiny bed with me. And he held me. And he laughed with me (and maybe a little bit at me). And he comforted me until the nurse came in.

That is when my anxiety started to make sense. She showed us the heart rate strip and Baby B (Olivia) had had three significant decels and wasn't looking very good. Doctors were called. An IV was placed in the case that we were going to deliver. I was told not to eat and I was giving a "rescue dose" of steroids for the girls. Everything seemed to happen so fast, and yet not fast enough for my liking. I turned up the volume on the heart monitor and couldn't help but keep my eyes glued to the strip. After 9.5 weeks in the hospital I had become pretty adept at reading the outcomes and I also felt like I knew the rhythm of my girls hearts. My doc wanted to just sit and wait it out to see how the girls would react to everything and that was the hardest part. Eventually everything quieted down and the emergency feeling of it all faded, but I was still on edge. Rob stayed the night to provide some comfort for me and we tried to watch television to take our minds off of it. Needless to say, I did not sleep much. Through the night the girls had some decels, but by and large they were insignificant.

The next morning Rob went to work before we were able to meet with the doctor, so my mom made sure she was at the hospital to help me and support me while I spoke about options with the doc.

Dr. Posner came in as chipper as always, and assured us that he believed that the girls could make it until 35 weeks (which was still a week and a half away). He did, however, let me know that if I felt like I was done that we could deliver. I was incredibly torn. Did I take the advice of my specialist or did I risk the chance of jumping the gun and having the complications of prematurity? We had already made it past our original goal of 32 weeks, so that was comforting, but I didn't want to wait around for another emergency situation. I told my doctor that I was going to consult with my husband and that I would pray about it and let him know. It was then that he decided to tell me that he was going out of town for 3 days. Seriously?? How could he leave right when things felt like they were getting intense??

I spent the next couple of hours conversing with the Lord and analyzing my feelings. I wanted to make sure that I was not going to make a decision based on my weakness. I didn't want unwarranted stress or anxiety to make my decision for me. I called Rob at work and we prayed together over the phone. I honestly felt that my breakdown the night before was Heavenly Father's way of directing Rob to be at the hospital with me when things got scary, and I knew that Heavenly Father would direct us to make the decision that would be best for our precious girls---His precious daughters.

As I saw it we had three options:

1. We could schedule the csection for Friday morning before my doctor left town
2. We could schedule the csection for Tuesday morning when my doctor came back to town
3. We could wait it out until October 8th, our original scheduled csection date

If I've learned anything about my personal relationship with God it is this---He is more inclined to answer my prayers if I come to Him with a solution and seek approval rather than just asking His opinion.

When Rob arrived at the hospital after work we prayed about it one more time, then we talked over our options again and decided to go with option 1. When we prayed yet again to seek approval I was filled with a sense of peace. Heavenly Father had entrusted us with His precious girls, and He was going to help and protect them.

We then called our Doctor and let him know that we would be seeing him the next day.

The morning was a whirlwind of preparations. I felt so calm and yet excited at the same time. I knew we had made the right decision and I just couldn't wait to meet my girls! My mom and dad were able to come down to the hospital beforehand and we took a couple minutes as a family to pray and have a spiritual moment before they took me away to administer the anesthetic. I hated that Rob wasn't allowed in the room for the spinal, but he joined me soon enough.

In the operating room everything was very relaxed. Dr. Posner was great at explaining every step of the procedure and Rob was absolutely enthralled by the process. We chitchatted and made jokes as the doctor made the incision, and suddenly he said it was time. He told me I would feel a "little bit" of pressure (which really felt like both he and Dr. Pan were sitting on my stomach).

Before I knew it he was holding Annelise over the sheet so that I could see her. She whimpered but didn't cry out like I had expected. Apparently she had a bit of fluid in her lungs and needed some help working it out. Olivia, on the other hand, came out with a wail. My parents were waiting in the hallway and they said they could hear her above everything else.

Then came the cords. They were twisted together so tightly that it was impossible to distinguish one from the other. At the top, nearest to where the cords were connected to the girls, was a giant knot. It was crazy to hear my doctor, a well known specialist, utter an exclamation of surprise as he held the cords up. He was shocked at their condition and amazed that the girls had done so well. After he finished sewing me up he had one of the techs grab his phone and he took pictures with the cords like a proud schoolboy.

I am so grateful that my little ones made it here safely and I can't wait until they get to meet Gideon and join us at home!

 The Miracle Cords!

My first time meeting Olivia

Holding Olivia's hand

Meeting my sweet Annelise

 My girls holding hands (they did that all by themselves!)

Grandpa holding Annelise and Grandma holding Olivia

Lola and Olivia (sorry about the lighting--they were a little jaundiced)

Papa Tony and Olivia

happy happy happy

Today is my 65^th day in the hospital. Today I broke down in tears. Sobbing, uncontrollable tears. I would even venture to say that I was weeping. But not for the reason that you would think---not because of the profound sadness and difficulty permeating hospital life---but because of the profound joys that hospital life has afforded me. Because of the cherished moments I’ve had here and how it has truly deepened my appreciation for my husband, my son, my mother, my sisters, and the countless others who have been my pillars of strength.

The catalyst for this reaction was a text message I received this morning upon waking up. It was simple; just a picture of our son, Gideon, sitting on a toy he got for his birthday. But for me there was nothing simple about it. For me this picture encapsulated so many precious things. There he was, sitting on a toy, his feet flat on the ground, a smile stretched across his face, his eyes completely squinty and the vein on his neck poking out.  I am certain that 9 weeks ago there is no way he could have sat on that toy with his feet touching the ground. I am also certain that I have never ever seen him smile so big. You know those days when you smile so hard your cheeks hurt? But you can’t stop smiling? I’m pretty certain that it was that type of smile.

 I know, I know, a picture of my smiling son is great and all, but what was so special about this picture? How could it elicit so many strong feelings inside my heart? First of all, it came from my husband. Almost every morning my husband sends me text messages with pictures of my son.  It wasn’t something we talked about beforehand; it wasn’t something I requested of him. It was just something he started doing for me. He just knew that I needed it. What a simple act of love on his part!

Second, the toy he was sitting on was a birthday present from two of the nurses here at the hospital. Not only did those nurses chip in on the gift, but they helped cut through hospital policy red tape so that we could have a birthday party right here in my room. Many of the nurses helped decorate the room and brought presents and made it a special event. They all understood how important it was that I be a part of my son’s celebration. So yes, I might let a few tears of appreciation fall every time I see that toy and no, I do not have a problem admitting that.

Third, (as evidenced in the picture) my son is a healthy, happy, growing boy. Despite the fact that I am not there to see it or influence it, he is being nurtured and loved and fed and given everything I could hope to give him if I could be home with him.  This is due largely to the sacrifices of my husband, my mother, and my sister. I honestly don’t think that my sanity would be intact if it weren’t for the fact that they have all changed their lives around to accommodate taking care of Gideon.

The best part of all of this? A text I literally just received from my husband---

“Do you ever get that feeling of joy that just sort of wells up occasionally and you’re instantly thankful and warm and happy about me and life in general?”

Why yes, I absolutely do!

I have so many things to be grateful for because of my hospital stay and the picture only demonstrates a very small number of those things. One day I hope to be able to adequately express my gratitude to everyone who has given me a cherished moment while I’ve been here (and there are many of you!) but for now this post will have to suffice. 

everyday

I didn’t realize how mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically taxing this journey would be. I didn’t realize that it would be fraught with moments of extreme anxiety interspersed with moments of pure joy. I didn’t realize that every milestone we reached would also bring on new concerns. How could I possibly know that hearing their heartbeats 24/7 would fill me with equal measures of hope and terror?

Today is the type of day that I can no longer do it.  I look at myself and I say, “I’m done”. People not in my situation have told me that I just need to take it one day at a time, but I can’t withstand one more day of being in this hospital. One more day of being separated from my husband. One more day of missing my son grow up. One more day of lousy meals. One more day of well meaning nurses poking and prodding and asking if everything is ok. One more day of feeling my body atrophy in this hospital bed.

Moments and thoughts like that are exactly when the guilt starts rushing in. Because I am selfish. Everyday that I am in this hospital bed is another day or possibly even week that my babies don’t have to be in the NICU. Everyday I spend away from my husband is one more day that we are fighting for our family—separate yes—but bound by purpose and love and sacrifice. Everyday I miss my son growing up is a day I’m assuring that he will have two of the best playmates a kid could ask for. Everyday that my body atrophies and my muscles ache with weakness is a day that sweet Olivia and Annelise get stronger.  Everyday is a blessing.

That is how I know that today I will do it. Even though it seems impossible, I will persevere.  And I know that I’m not doing it alone because Heavenly Father promises “I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” And I’ve seen that promise fulfilled in heavenly messengers and in the earth angels that I have surrounding me.

So, yes, today is the type of day that I can no longer do it. But it is also the type of day that I am laying my weakness on the shoulders of my friends and family and at the feet of the Savior so that they can help carry my burden---and for that I am eternally grateful. 

Flashback Friday

Most of you are pretty unaware of what life was like in Anchorage and these pics are probably only going to skew your view even more, but here goes...

Rob, Meisje, Gideon, and I would bundle up almost twice a week to go cross country skiing before   Rob went to work.

 Meisje loved running in the snow and she would get extremely excited every time we went out.

       

Sometimes Porter and Callie and Bryon would join us---Good thing we got the double chariot!

 

We had the amazing opportunity to go dog sledding with Travis and Sarah from Turning Heads Kennel not once, but twice! I have tons more pics and even some video to share, but that deserves its own post.

 

         

I hope you enjoyed this little glimpse into Alaskan life!!

Momo Twins Pregnancy Update

I feel like I should have started doing this little survey weeks ago, but we all know that I'm a procrastinator and not too great at this whole blogging thing, so here goes! 

How far along: 23 1/2 weeks

Total Weight Gain/Loss: I lost 12lbs in my first trimester and since then I have gained it all back, plus 10lbs! I consider this a victory.

Maternity clothes: I mostly lounge around in yoga pants or in my swimsuit at the beach/pool. When I have to actually get dressed I wear maxi skirts or do the rubberband trick on my jeans ;)  I only own 2 maternity shirts, but that's gonna change real soon.

Stretch marks: none thus far!

Sleep:I get up 2-3 times to use the bathroom at night and recently my hips have been bugging me when I lay down. Also, as soon as I lay down my brain usually goes into overdrive about having twins.

Best moment last week: Seeing a glimpse of "baby b" on a 4D ultrasound. We usually just do the regular ultrasounds but my doctor was feeling generous and "baby b" was cooperating so he switched to 4D for a moment. She looks so beautiful and perfect!

Food cravings: Cafe Rio, mashed potatoes, french fries, hash browns...anything starchy and salty. Eggs sunnyside up.

Gender: Girls

Labor signs: if I do too much or lay flat on my back I immediately start having contractions

Belly button - in or out? still in

What I miss: Sleeping through the night and eating eggs sunnyside up.

What I am looking forward to: increased survival rates in the coming weeks

Milestones: Tomorrow we are getting our Swagger Wagon!!

Swagger Wagon

Let me paint a picture for you...

I was fresh off my LDS mission (I had actually been home for about a year) and looking for a car to purchase. I wasn't planning on getting married or having kids anytime soon, but I did figure that it was in the cards at some point. I was going to pay good money for this car and I wanted it to last me at least the next 10 years, so I did a lot of research. And when I say a lot, I mean A LOT. I scoured the internet for weeks reading about how to buy a car and what features I wanted and which ones I absolutely didn't. I really wanted a Subaru Forrester---that was the ideal---but I also knew that if I wanted to buy it used and with low mileage that it was still out of my price range. Other than low mileage, AWD/FWD, and trunk space to fit camping/climbing gear, one of my big requirements was that it would comfortably fit two carseats in the back. After a couple of trips to different dealers and private sellers I finally settled on the Suzuki SX4. It fulfilled every requirement I had for it and it looked great too! I even made triple sure that two carseats could fit in the back. Not because I had kids, but because I figured that in the next ten years I would probably have two kids and then "we" (my mythical family and I) would have saved up enough to buy a minivan and I would relinquish my "fun car" to my husband. That was the idea at least.

Her name is Suzy, and she's a champ

Fast forward 3 years and here I am married, with a 10 month old, AND twin girlies on the way. Ladies and Gentlemen, there is no way  to fit 3 carseats in the back of this car. I thought that I had been doing pretty well with this 10 year car plan, even with getting pregnant so fast a second time I figured it would be a couple years until we dared to have a third child and then we could reevaluate finances and determine if we could keep my suzuki and be a two car family.

I guess it's true what they say, "if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans for the future"!

Honestly though, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love these girls so much already and I'm excited to have them join the family. We have had tons of adventures in that Suzuki and it's been an awesome car for our family. Admittedly, I will be very sad to see it go BUT I am also very excited to have a "swagger wagon". Automatic opening doors? yes please. Room for all the kiddos? definite must. Low enough clearance that I don't die putting the carseats in? absolutely.

With that said, tonight we venture out into the world to find ourselves a minivan. Wish us luck!

Also, I'd like to thank Toyota for making such an awesome commercial that has ultimately helped sway my husband into being excited (or at least okay) with driving a minivan.

P.S. if you or anyone you know is looking for an awesome adventure car that can fit two carseats in the back and still has room for camping gear in the trunk, let me know! 

The Final Countdown

Ok, so not the final Final Countdown, but only 1 week to go until I check in to the hospital. After that we begin a new countdown---8 weeks of hospital life until the girls come!! As crazy as it sounds, I am actually looking forward to the hospital. Modern technology has made things for momo mamas so much more manageable in some ways and I'm looking forward to knowing how my girls are doing 24/7.

Anyhow, the last few weeks have been pretty darn crazy. My doctor allowed me to go on a weekend trip to Vegas so that Gideon and I could see Lola and Papa Tony while Rob drove through to Utah to attend his best friend's wedding. A good time was had by all. The next weekend we had an epic Higham Family Reunion in which all 12 of us were reunited for what will be the last time for 2 years! We went to sea world and the movies and the beach...it was crazy awesome. This last weekend Rob and I left Gideon with his Aunt Sarah and headed to a sweet little beach bungalow for a getaway weekend before the hospital.

Here are little snippets of all of those happenings and as soon as I steal the photos from Rob's phone you will have a much more fun picture of what went down:

Papa Tony and Lola spoiled the junk out of Gideon and got him a highchair.

Pool time with cousins

Gideon enjoying his nighttime bottle on the beach before

the fireworks

Sadie and Ryan were attached at the hip at Sea World

Despite the look on his face, Gideon really enjoyed hanging with 

Aunt Shannon

Sadie and Ryan would put on their "princess dresses" so that they could twirl

Gideon is in love with his Aunt Becky

Beach days are the best!!

We woke up to this picture text while we were on our getaway.

As much as we needed some "us time", we sure missed our little boy!

My husband is pretty hot.

Yeah, we ate all of that.